What a Turn This Has Taken

leggomimeggo @ 2005-08-03T20:36:00

2005-08-04T01:43:23Z

Just went to soccer practice, had a good time, I'm out of shape, didn't know how much I missed that little ball of string, hope I can make the team, hope I can play a lot, hope I can handle it with all that is going on with SGA. It's cool having people know my name, weird but cool. Looking forward to SGA more because everyone else seems to be. Nice to know the coach at least noticed me. I don't want to be a bitchy girl, I really do want to be nice but being nice comes off as being too nice and therefore bitchy. Ah, maybe we should talk, that would be weird but good, maybe. I hope he comes swing dancing on Sat. I would love that, not really for him, well maybe a little for him but more just because he's a cool kid, and a little but because of her. I'm happy with things, at least for right now, I'm a little stressed but trying to make it thorugh. Summer work and what not, need to finish it. Can't wait for school though. Hope I don't screw it up. College is stressing me out. I feel like their decision has become mine and that scares me, I really need to think this through. He's back in the states and that's good, i always think of him. I can't breathe, my chest is heavy, stupid soccer, i'm out of shape, damn I said that already. ok. so basically I like him, no I don't, maybe I do, f it, I don't know. it doesn't matter anyway, I guess we could see at swing dancing, it has been 6 weeks. I need to read and do my spanish work, I can't screw up spanish this year, or SGA. I'm hungry, but no one made food and that really pisses me off, maybe I won't eat, that sounds good too. I smell, ugh, I need a shower then off to read. I'm hungry but oh well.

That's basically my train of throught for the last 3 minutes.

Evansville

2005-08-01T06:12:05Z

Doing some college searching because I can't sleep and this is bound to help solve that problem. I took upon this task from the prompting of someone who said something that made me curious. Lying in my very cold bed, waiting for my thoughts to drift I realized that I needed to see for myself. Now that I have charted the unknown waters of UE I am quite terrified. Could it be that this school is actually what I want? No, that can't be. But maybe it is. I couldn't go there though, everyone woudl think it was because of him. And maybe down in my girly soul I would hope it would work out, even though now, I'm ok with it. What if I got there and we hated each other? Or what if I got there and something happened? I don't know what to do. More research I guess.

+:
-2 hours from home (Close but yet farther than Nashville)
-Religions, Spanish, Eng. Lit., Art History
-Harlaxton=beautiful!
-Tuition exchange
-Small (2,200 students)

Basically...Belmont just farther away.

Ahh, I could never, it would just be weird. He said I should visit but I don't want to, what if I actually liked it?

This is how bored I am

2005-07-08T05:34:53Z

All those fun things
Created by penguin24 and taken 111 times on bzoink!
what is the best...
Snack?	Pretzels
Thing to do?	Watch the sunrise
Fast food place?	Sonic
Season	Spring
Band	U2
Singer	Jennifer Knapp
Group	I thought this was the same as a band
Genere of music	Hmm...anything but rap and country
thing to order from Starbucks	Nonfat Peppermint Mocha
thing to get from Quiznos	Chicken Carbanara
Fast food restraunt	Uh...I answered this already
actress	Jennifer Garner
Actor	Mr. Johnny Depp
Comedian	The only name I can recall is Stephen Lynch
Place to be alone	Bathtub, but it would be cool otherwise...
to be with friends	Park
Best place to have sex	See two above
happy song	"Beautiful Day"
sad song	So many make me cry
break up song	Uh... I have no clue
song	I love too many to pick one
place to live	Florida
place for spring break	Florida
place for winter break	Florida
winter activity	Sitting by the fire
summer activity	Pool time
friend	Steph
Job	None currently
food	Sushi
color	Burgandy
age	17
drink	Materva
Car	2001 Saturn CL
class	English
time of day	9 am
movie	Princess Bride
tv show	Alias
cartoon	Wallace and Grommit
number	21
candy	Twix
phrase	Evidently...
quote	"A radical who runs away from his own revolution is merely a vandal"
Lasts...and firsts
last time you danced	About 5 minutes ago
last IM	Jordan Alsobrook
last word spoken	Maybe
last nap	Last week
last shower	This morning
item bought	Frosty and Wendys
last book	The Poisonwood Bible
last song played	"One" -U2
last shoes you wore	I'm wearing black heels
Last TV show	Real World Austin
(when and who) last phone call	Eamon, this afternoon
food eated	Cheesecake
last drink	Coffee
last movie	Pirates of teh Caribbean
Seen in theatre	War of the Worlds
good long cry	it's been a while
last car ride	Party Van to Subway
last real kiss	The Saturday of Midterm Break
first real kiss	8th Grade
first job	Carmike Cinemas
first screen name	I have no idea
First delf-puchased CD	Backstreet Boys, I believe
First food consumed	formula
First time wanting to kill someone	Probably Trey at somepoint
things
5 things you can see	My clock, computer, class ring, purse, Nalgene
5 things you can hear	Computer, annoying girls, slamming doors, AC, keys typing
5 people you talked too in the last day	Hope, Rachael, Morgan, Daniel, Rose
last 5 windows open on your screen	Myspace, Yahoo, Livejournal, BBC, CNN
5 people you cant live without	Mom, Dad, Jordan, Trey, Steph and Jordan A.
5 bands	U2, Keane, Cake, Kings of Leon, Maroon 5
5 tv shows	Alias, Friends, CSI, Everwood, Oprah
5 things you would take to a deserted Island	A good book, iPod, warm blanket, razor, pen and paper
5 people you would save	Mom, Dad, Jordan, Trey, Eamon, Steph, Jordan A.
5 things you wish you could do	Apologize, Play the guitar better, run without my knee hurting, read all day long, see the beach
5 things you want to do before you die	Publish a book, be in a protest, be a mother, find lasting love, influence someone
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

Voicemail

2005-06-22T04:42:48Z

It's be cool if this could work out. Really cool. If not, well then I'll have more material for my Creative Writing class.

Summer nights.

They're still here. So we should be too.

leggomimeggo @ 2005-06-18T23:40:00

2005-06-19T04:43:42Z

For you I will smile.

And tonight I did.

This is me being thankful for what I have and hoping that it will stay. Even if staying means what I know it means, I'm happy with that. This makes me happy. This makes the past year worth it. Knowing what I know about myself and being happy wth that. I just hope I don't screw it up by being super emotional, bitchy Meghan. Please, no, I'm going to be mature.

Under the stars for one last time. That is of course, until three weeks from now.

My heart is fluttering.

leggomimeggo @ 2005-06-17T20:54:00

2005-06-18T01:54:49Z

I'm happy now and will be later. That I know is true. Things have worked out but something is still there.

You will always be.

And for that I am thankful.

"I do extemp!" LOL

2005-06-04T17:37:02Z

Tomorrow I leave for five weeks. Five weeks rooming with a girl whom I don't know, living in a dorm, eating college food, taking classes, traveling, being a college student. I can't wait. Not only is it going to be so much fun but it's five weeks away from here. I'm going to miss a few people but I generally need a vacation. Time to myself. And since my parents won't let me go off by myself for a "weekend to find myself" this is going to have to do. But it's going to be great. I'm so excited!!

Nationals was amazing. At first i thought Milwaukee was really ugly but after walking around a reconstructed downtown with my dad and going to the art museum it took on it's own charm. Granted, i would never live there due to the freezing winters, but a visit during the summer wouldn't be bad. It was great seeing everyone from Dreyfoos, I needed that. If only Ravi and Cathy could have been there as well. Ah, good times with Pouille in the prep room, that kid saves me every time. I don't think I would have walked out of the small cafeteria at Marquette had it not been for him. Bobby as always was funny so was Jo and Alycia. Every minute was so much fun. I didn't do too bad either. 58 out of 208, not too shabby. Better then last year and if I would have prepped more I could have broken. Ah, oh well. Next year.

The past week has been tumultuous to say the least. Poor Steven, I feel so bad for him and he is handling it better that I could. I should lighten up a bit, cut back on the bitchyness. We've been cleaning the back 4th floor and it looks amazing. it feels so good to being doing something so dramatic for the school. it's going to make a big difference and I can't wait to leave this kind of legacy. next year is going to be amazing. By Thursday, friend relations were on the rocks so Friday I stuck to myself besides a nice phone call from a certain tall, dark handsome young man. (Actually, I had to of those.)

I miss FL. Mainly the beach and a few choice people that I want to come up here. You guys know who you are. I miss you. Ahh...

Last night was probably the best night I have had in months. It was started by coffee and a trip to Kroger. Even though it's still new, for some reason, silence isn't awkward. It's like we've known each other for a while. His family is so nice and i am looking forward to dinner this evening. Last night was great. Sushi from Amber, Materva, brownies, taking Max for a walk then run over by a huge pickup. Having a nice walk. Then coming in for Fight Club. It was weird that the girls had seen it but not the guys. Great movie, as usual, in every sense of the word. Afterwards, it was cute, very very clever. Then well, yeah. I was comfortable, more so than I thought I would be. Natural, smooth, sweet.

Even though I spent months crying and began to give up. When I least expected it, I was having a bad night and went to get coffee, then everything changed. I finally accepted being alone and then this happened, just the way I would have liked. I'm happy I did it this way. Now I know who I am, why stuff happened, what I want, and what i can give. I'm happy and there is only two of us. I can look at him and not remember. This is what I needed. Those ten months were hard, the hardest ever but now I'm ready forever. I hope you are, I really do. I hope you're happy. Please be.

Kickball

2005-05-26T04:28:39Z

By some grace of God or the a large Venti Coffee I managed to pull a 93, yes a 93 on my Physics Exam!!! That pulled my average to a B, which really is a miracle considering we've had a teacher for 3 weeks of the past semester. Whew, I'm glad that's over. Now I'm free of high school science and math for the rest of my life. Weird feeling. I won't ever have to use my beloved TI-89 again.

Nationals are this weekend and I am not excited. Maybe I will be when I get there, and thank goodness Pouille will be there. But really, I don't feel prepared. It's summer but doesn't feel like it beasue I have all this other work to do. My summer starts on Sunday. I can't wait. Ahh...

Yesterday was cool. Finished up early and had a voice mail waiting for me. Coffee with Kelsey then playground with Alex. I've figured it out, figured out what makes my realtionships hard and why I do certain things. I don't want to get stuck in this pattern because then I may never come out of it. He's been good for me. This is what I need. Sometimes it is hard to not freak out about things, but in reality, this is good. What we both need. Seperate friends, seperate lives. Although I loved every minute of it, serperate names as well. it is nice to hear him talk about his parents and me, oh and her.

Almost eleven months. That's hard to believe. That started a major change in my life. Not just the end of one thing, but the beginning of a time where I truly was able to work things out. There's not a day that goes by that I don't remember. Finally, I can talk without crying, yelling or moping around for days. I'm rationalizing which is working. Because I know why, after that, you jsut do. I still cry when I hear that song. Seeing pictures creates the same emotions. It's weird though, now I think back and sometimes I can't remember. I mean, I can because I'll never forget but i can't remember being with him. But i can still feel the warmth of his skin. I gave him the most emotions and he did the same. I just wish I didn't hurt him.

Next year should be fun, I'm really exciting. Amazing schedule, SGA President with two projects already in place, Senior!, and driving through the sunset.

"I might not get in but Meghan's my best friend so I'll be there anyway." That made me smile.
"Hello, Sunshine!"
"I want Meghan time, too."

Being there means leaving here
Saying yes means saying no
Moving on means letting go of all that is sure
Sing a new song

I might have a new song, but the bridge will always be the same.

I don't know

2005-05-19T21:19:24Z

I've been in a very weird mood over the past two weeks. I want to be alone. Either by myself or with one, maybe two other people. I'm very intimidated by big groups at the moment, maybe it's just my group though. I think I'm kind of sick of them. I don't want to go to his birthday party, is that mean? I really have no interest in going. And that Junior wide cook out, no thanks. Have to think f an excuse to get out of that one.I've been really lazy, no homework or exams will do that to you. I haven't thought about him, ah, It's time. He's been amazing, I just don't want to get to involved, college and whatnot will get in the way. I have nausea every day. Serioulsy, there hasn't been a moment when I haven't thought I would throw up, the only thing of substance I've eaten is toast. I fall asleep all the time and my gums hurt. SOunds like I"m pregnant, but that's impossible. Somehow I managed to barely pass Physics, I mean that in a very negative way. Stupid student teacher and scatter brained real teacher. Fuck. There goes 4.0. Don't reeally want to go to Nationals, eh, I might want to later. My mom is pissing my off, we now have a dog and my dad is helpless becasue of his surgery. I've been carless for 6 months and I'm going crazy. I need a car. Governor's School in about two weeks, I can't wait. Except I'll miss him. All we have is the summer, and that is slowly dwindling. Off to write an English essay, looks like shit so far. Then time to shower and primp for Graduation, I'm attending on the insistence of Alex. I'm looking forward to it but I know I will have some weird emotions with it. I can't quite figure them all out. Look like toast again for dinner, yum, hope I'm not dying.

You make me happy
You make me smile
I haven't been cared for since then
Moving on means letting go
of that I am sure
We shared a kiss under teh leaves
That I know is true
You and me, together for now
But as for tomorrow
I don't know

leggomimeggo @ 2005-05-15T13:10:00

2005-05-15T18:11:10Z

Ahhh....

Life is good.
So is swing dancing.
<3.

Yeah

2005-05-04T22:05:52Z

Calculus is over and to be honest I don't care what I got. That honestly has been my most challenging class ever and I survived. An accomplishment in itself.

School is pretty much over, just crawling through Physics.

And...Soccer game next week. Yeah, I'm excited.

That would be so cool.

Yeah.

4 hours today, four tomorrow.

2005-05-01T04:01:00Z

Calculus makes me want to cry.

So do you.

and you.

Waiting for June 5th.

Piano recital tomorrow, not prepared.

Vote for me and I'll make all your wildest dreams come true

2005-04-26T00:17:44Z

In an effort to put off the numerous activities that I need to do but have no interest in doing (aka Calculus studying and piano practicing), I'm going to think on my computer screen and figure stuff out.

Well, I'm now SGA President of Hume-Fogg. Didn't see this one coming, not at all. I'm excited, I really am. But also a little scared. President of the student body is overwhleming, I just hope that I do a good job. I want to be able to make a difference. I don't want to just hang around and feel sorry for myself and my circumstances. Whether or not you, yeah you, agree with me, well I can't help that. I wish you would and that you would be somewhat happy for me but I understand that emotions get tied into this whole thing. I really wish things were different with us. That you could see what I have a be happy. I know I"m happy for you. SO happy for you, proud even, elated, lucky. I want to be memorable.

That little segue leads me to think that I should be nicer to people. Coleman has been getting all of my bitchyness lately and even though we've had some rough moments, no one really deserves all of that. Besides, I've been complaining for weeks about he treats me and that Lara doesn't talk to me, well damnit, it's time for me to stand up and do something about it. It doesn't help if I complain and make the situation work. Both are somewhat nice people and probably want a friendship. I just need to reach out to Lara and forget about everything. I've been making up excuses to not like these people and I don't like it. It's time for me to accept their quirks and get over it, I don't like where things are going now. I'm going to fix them.

Four more weeks of school. Exactly 20 days. However, after next Friday things will calm down. After my Calc exam and Piano recital, US History presentation and Pacesetter exam, all is pretty much done. The only thing I will have to worry about is Physcis and I can handle that. It's weird, two weeks and all my major responsibilities will be over with.

But then comes Nationals which will be fun but stressful. I need to book my flight and hotels, like NOW. I want to do well so I need to bust my ass and begin to research. After Calc, then I can do it. After that I leave for Governor's school. I am so stocked about that. It's going to be hard, yeah, and it's going to be like 5 extra weeks of school but being at UT with a bunch of teenagers, no parents studying english and religion and history, call me a dork but I'm excited about that. Wow, that sounded really dorky. I think after being forced to put up with physics and calculus the thought of school without them is a Godsend. On top of that I have 8 books to read for AP English. I want to finish them all this summer, that would be easiest. Next year is going to be insane, getting them done will help a lot.

Hopefully I can go to Germany this summer, that would be cool. I want to come to FL as well. I really, really want to. If all that happens, I will only have two weeks of being in Nashville for summer break. One of which might be devoted to family camping/hiking in CO.

Oh yeah, I need to study for the SAT and ACT as well. And work in college research and college visits. I want to go away, D.C. would be amazing. I would love that. But I like going to his office, I think I would miss him a lot. Maybe here for undergrad and GW for graduate...hmm...sounds promising.

It'd be good if I went to freshman first steps stuff, or orientation as well. Maybe even start that SGA room over the summer, move that plaque, work on the board. Who knows.

Next year will be insane, absolutely insane.

Living for Friday May 6th!! Most of school will be done AND....I will have a house with no parents. If only I had something cool to do. I could've...

leggomimeggo @ 2005-04-24T18:09:00

2005-04-24T23:14:56Z

I'm bored. And let me tell you, I'm happy I'm bored. I told me dad "I'm bored, I don't remember the last time I was bored, I like it!" Ahh, a brief break from life.

If I can make it until two weeks from today, all will be good.

Election will be over, Piano recital over, No more Calc, All four Gateways will be done, Pace Setter exam half way done and History Presentation over. That weekend will be amazing. Not only will all that be over but...PARENTS WILL BE GONE!

Birthday was pretty good. Party/gathering sucked but that was expected. Coleman's an ass. Lara...eh. I heart Steph though.

"You're like a Baskin Robbins of tampons!"

Don't know what to think. He makes me so mad and he doesn't deserve my kindness. But I don't want to be a bitch, I reallly should be nicer to him. or not.

can't wait until governor's school

Briefings

2005-04-17T04:54:14Z

Prom...eh
Anni
Coleman
Lara
Steph
Jordan, my saving grace
Jordan G., cool when she's not mad at me
Calculus
APAH, how fun was that
I love the Grapes of Wrath
I want a date
Fat
No Car
Karg is amazing
Steven is awesome
Hippie Tree
Time with Kat
Apathy
Hatred
Annoying
But, "It's hard not to notice it"
I'm better than that
I want him
Unchained Melody
New Hair
Cut and colored
How sweet was that, I cried
Work out
Alone time
Mom's rocky relationship
No time for me
Divorce
Please, no
College
SAT/ACT
Not good enough
Too hard
Difficult, antisocial
Bitch
I need it
Want it
But what that is, I'm not sure
There is no anger in love

Distraction

2005-03-16T03:12:52Z

I'm taking a moment out of my marathon Calculus study session to distract myself with a life update.

Hm...Things have been alright.

With the amigos, I've had a weird but good couple of weeks with them. With one person it's been totally weird but I've been able to vent with someone else. I've become so much more closer to the latter person and I love it. I absolutely love having a best guy friend where there are no romantic feelings involved. He's like my brother and it's amazing. Everything actually has been cool, dramatic but cool. Girls spent the night one night, dyed some hair, talked about boys, kicked Tim out around 2am, breakfast the usual.

My dad went to Nicaragua for a week and i really missed him. I'm thinking about going to Belmont, partly because I want to still be close to my dad. But going to Belmont would mean giving in to my mom's desires and I'm not about to do that. Our relationship is falling apart. Partly because I know more than she thinks I know and what I know kills me. I analyze everything now, watching for any sign of truth. I hope it's not there. He doesn't deserve it.

Registered for classes, my schedule looks like this
AP European History
AP English
AP Spanish
AP Econ + Govt
PE
IS
Intern!!!!

Should be a nice senior year. I got out of taking a math AND a science next year which is AMAZING!!! The admins weren't too pleased with me about that but I used the "My credits didn't transfer correctly and I need to get al my required classes" excuse, and it worked. I'm really excited, only four real classes, although they are all APs.

After much discussion and going back and forth it's official. I got a Prom date. I'm actually really excited about it. It's who I wanted to go with and that should make it all the better. I just hope no one freaks out about it. One person might. Dinner at PF Changs, Prom, Tim's house, Kelsey's house for 3am breakfast, sleep over in the basement. Should be amazing!

The next few weeks are really exicitng. I leave for FLorida in two days!! Spring Break at the beach will be awesome. Come back from Spring break on Sunday, my german foreign exchange student will be here Wed. and Prom is Saturday!!!

I'm starting to freak out about AP exams. I really want to do well on them, especailly Calc, it will be a major accomplishment, a nice finsih to my math career.

Florida...hmm...I want to but I don't I want to but I shouldn't, I want to but not just as because I can, because it means that much. Setting myself up for heartbreak, I think so. If I don't think about it, it's not that bad. Seems to be a similar apporach.

Alright, back to Calculus, must get a good grade tomorrow, starting to get a little worried.m

Oh, by the way, I really want to bake cookies after Prom.

Veird

2005-03-03T01:20:01Z

Things have been a little rough. I thought things were going someplace but they weren't. And in all honesty, I like it better this way.

Went to the Symphony saturday night which means i got to get dressed up!!! It was so much fun, besdies the awkward car ride there and "You're a difficult person" car ride back, it was great. But even those two parts were good because they allowed for something to happen that we both knew should have happened, but neither wanted to admit. This is cool though, more of what i would like. I have to be honest though, I did enjoy that night.

Report cards came and mine is less than satisfactory. I got the lowest grade I have ever gotten and I'm so embarassed. Hopefully this next six weeks will be better. I'm throwing all I have into it, I need to step it up a notch. All A's this time baby, all A's.

Prom is approaching. I've got the dress, the shoes, the bag, the makeup, the shawl the purse but not the guy. I'm not one to have a pity party due to a lack of escort but since all my friends have a date, it would be nice if I had one as well. Not even a date date. A guy to go with as a friend, nothing more would be perfect. One of my guy friends doesn't have a date, so maybe we can go stag with each other. But then again, that was the awkward conversation. I've got a backup plan either way, but I would prefer to go with him.

There's something truly invigorating about running at 5:30 am in 19˚ weather. It really was amazing. I'm looking forward to more workout sessions in the near future.

Off to study for Calc and APAH. I'm thinking that if I actually study before my lunch hour I might do better in those classes, just a thought. Then piano time and ALIAS. It's not even that great this season, but I'm holding on to a little strand of hope.

Girls night Friday, should be amazing!

leggomimeggo @ 2005-02-23T22:07:00

2005-02-24T04:18:33Z

I want to punch a hole in my wall, like a really really big one.

Friday night was going to be great, now, not so much.

My wonderful week and awesome weekend just got really shitty in a total of 15 minutes.

This sucks...

Estaba pensando

2005-02-21T04:03:43Z

I've come to a realization.

Two months ago, I absolutely loved girl time. I hadn't had it in a whilel and it was my favorite thing ever. All of a sudden though, I stopped liking it. I know why I did and I don't like that. I don't want to go back to where I was.

From now on, I"m liking girl time that includes everything that comes along with it.

Friday night will be at my house this weekend, with the grandparentals. But hey, even though I have the option to be someone else, in the long run, this is better.

I don't want to disappoint him, he's my hope and love.

Más mañana, luego voy sentir como escribiendo, ahora no puedo, está mucho nublado.

"Always practice safe coffee drinking, wear a Bongo Java condom."

2005-02-15T03:11:30Z

Alright...it's been an interesting week.

School wise, last week sucked. I was so overwhelmed with everything and I jsut couldn't get caught up. So much stuff was going on and one thing after another kept bringing me down. I couldn't handle it, it was just too much.

We, as in all my friends, had planned for this big thing Friday night, we'd been planning for months. Well, for certain reasons it didn't work out and some adjustments were made. The Notebook with Steph, Lara and Coleman was great, I cried, she cried, we all cried. I need to watch it by myself though, let it all come out. Then it was off to the hockey game, we won. Took pictures of Coleman, found the foreign excahnge student, the usual. After wards left and spent the night. Had a wonderful time but feeling some regrets. I'm glad I didn't do what was proposed, I truly am. I know I would have regreted it. Even though I had fun I'm beginning to think that was too far as well. Now I'm jealous, upset, wanting too much and the cause of so much drama. If only I wasn't such a girl, I could let things go and that would be it. But I can't do that, everything means something and even though I say I don't want it, I think I do. So, I"m confused, everyone is mad, I hurt someone and I'm left with stares and a smile, but that's only when it's convenient.

Due to Friday's nights events, Saturday work schedule and trying to cath up on my sleep. It was 1 AM Monday morning and I still hadn't finished my homework. I got up late and freaked out. I asked my dad to go to the library to work for a while and that just started everything. Everything that I have been wanted to say to my dad for yeaars finally came out on one car ride.

-I hate Spanish
-I can't do it
-I don't know if this is what I want
-You push me too hard
-I think your dreams have become mine, so really, I have none
-I only do it to please you
-I'm never good enough for you
-I'm a big disappointment
-But admitting this means I'm failing

I don't know how long that conversation has been running through my head. But I've always been to afraid to say anything. There is still a lot more that needs to come out but this helped. We ended up getting coffee and talking for a while. Out of it I decided to drop AP Spanish and take it next year instead, not take AP Stat next year and opt for a study period and to quit my job. I already feel a wave of relief. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Besdies, now I can devote more time to Calc and actually pass that damn test. My dad thinks my "quality of life will improve" and Mrs. Riggar said " I know I"m too busy when I can't read a book for pleasure." I think that will be my new measurement of stress. I want to read because I want to, not because it's requiered.

There's still a lot more to say, but it's a start, a start that should definitely help.

I was supposed to go skiing this weekend. I'm going to stay home instead. Girls night seems appropiate, Meghan time as well. I was hoping to go out but now my hopes are up and it's not going to happen. I should have known. Now I feel like a stupid girl. Oh well, you learn.

So there is a lot going on but I think I'll make it.

I can't even begin to express

2005-02-07T04:39:18Z

Let's see...Missing school at Hume-Fogg is a hell of a lot harder than missing school at Dreyfoos, let's make that known.

Now that i have semi accecpted that fact I have also accepted the fact that a mental, physical and emotional breakdown are probably on the horizon. I never get to breathe and sit back and watch people go by me. I'm always the one walking by.

School's a bitch, work's alright, friends are cool. Parents are insane, siblings are annoying and cats are theraputic.

I did nothing this weekend except school work and fight off the flu and I still feel like I'm not caught up. Maybe next weekend I will be. Or the weekend after that. Or I will be playing a continuous game of catch until college, law school, retirement even.

Lots of stuff has been going on in Meghanland, stuff I don't even know about. I want so much, but I'm scared to go for it. Scared about what I'll lose, who I'll hurt and what I'll look like. Risks need to be taken and I know they are worth it, but is it what I want. Is it what will happen eventually, or would I be going against what's in store for me. But wouldn't it already be in store for me so I really wouldn't be going against anything.

Hm...A lot of decisions are about to be made and I'm really afraid of what kind of change they will bring.

Quick Update

2005-02-03T02:32:15Z

Hm...So...Emory was a blast! My first snow day...EVER! Had a wonderful time in the hotel, picking up guys with Ravi, taking naps in his bed, being seduced by Polly, almost killing myself on teh ice, singing to Brittney twice, not much sleep but a lot of laughs.

We went to compete on Sunday and the plan was to have 1 prelim then break to Semis, well I didn't think I would make it to the top 12 so I went in, had a great time and then was so relaxed the rest of the day. I just happened to be in the cafeteria when they announced breaks, otherwise I probably wouldn't have seen them. So I casually look over to the board and thought I saw "LF101". WHA! So I checked again and sure enough...I BROKE!!! I was so shocked, I couldn't believe it, I never expected to have done that well. My semis speech was alright, I didn't advance but semis was fine with me. I was so shocked.

Came home and now school is a mess. I have a full notebook page full of stuff to do, along with working, cleaning my room and sleeping now and then. I have so many tests and projects and everything, I just can't take it. I"m really looking forward to Friday at 3pm.

Speaking of Friday, it should be fun. Party with the girls then to the hockey game with Nick, possibly Charles. Hm...that shall be fun, I haven't seen those two in a while.

Going through some stuff that I can't talk to anyone about. I thought I was ok but now I'm not so sure, I can't get it off my mind. I want it so bad, in so many ways.

So much more to say but you don't need to know.

Living for Friday.
March 18.
This Summer.
2006.

Ramblings of my mind

2005-01-23T03:59:54Z

So...Donald Trump got married at Bethesda by the Sea today. Weird, I've driven by that place like a million times and now I'm here in 18˚ weather in TN. I don't why that's important, it just seems weird in a twisted Meghan kind of way.

I got 3 Bs on my report card my dad said "Your grades are slipping, I really think you should quit your job and not go out with your friends as much. You need to stay focused." Hm...here, an A is a 93 and this school is 8 times harder than Dreyfoos. Yeah, my grades are slipping, 3 Bs.

Great time last night, can't explain the feeling without looking like a complete sap, it's true though but it would still take too long.

I'm exhausted, Crestian about killed me so did this week. And I'm going to do it all over again with Emory. Shoot me now.

Had a good talk with someone last week. I keep thinking about it, trying to separate my feelings from what I am telling myself I feel. They are two very different things. All I know is that the crying has stopped, one step closer to knowing, I guess.

HAHA...I'm sitting here writing this and my bedroom door opens and I was about to think some smart remark like "Dad! Why don't you ever knock!!" Because I would never say that outloud to him but I look over and it's Jasmine giving me a very mischievious look. Ah, how do I love her. I want to take her to college with me.

Speaking of college, I think my dad's super high ambitions for me have changed from his dreams to mine. I mean, everything we talk about sounds great but it's starting to make me think. Everything that I do know, everything that I love, do I really love it or have I come to love it from years of pressure from dad wanting me to love it. Do I really enjoy spanish, or is it just that he always talks about how important it is to be fleunt. DO I want to be a lawyer or was it a childhood dream that would have faded had my father not reinforced it. Hm, I truly don't know. It's not that I'm unhappy and that I wouldn't want to pursue all of this but I have to ask myself, is this really what I want, or is it some illusion built up over time.

Should be a rough week, not really looking forward to it. Not really looking forward to the next three months to be honest. There goes that daddy-pressure again. AP tests, SATs, grades, college apps, college visits, summer programs.

I want to fall asleep next to someone. I don't have anyone to do that with, but I really want to especailly on this cold night. If only I could, I definitely would. I can only dream that you would too.

Sunny South Florida

2005-01-19T04:12:22Z

Florida was AMAZING!

Spent time with Blake and his family and went to the beach late at night. I love that kid to death, I"m so happy I saw him before he left. Went to Dreyfoos on Friday, it wasn't as weird as I thought it would be. Kind of like old times, but then again, totally different. It's hard to imagine being there this year and what it would be like, I'm sure it would still be wonderful though. Crestian sucked, I sucked, I was so disappointed. I have a ton of work to do before Emory if I plan to break. Got to see all my debate buddies which always brings a smile to my face. Had some crazy times with Cathy, rocking out in the morning while getting ready, having her mom feed me tons of food. Had breakfast with Eamon and a nice conversation afterwards. Spent some time with Kyle, roamed Downtown and drove around Jupiter insearch of something to do. Saw Weber even though she seemed upset all weekend. Saw random people that I knew...everywhere! And, it felt great to be in a place that felt so much like home.

I kind of hate Troy now, defensive I guess. No one should make him feel bad. Besides, Brad Pitt in Fight Club is incomparably hotter than Brad Pitt in Troy. There is absolutely NO comparison. Always remember that, even though my opinion doesn't matter.

There's a lot more I could say but it's more so ramblings of Meghan and not something I want the whole world to see. It's actually not even something I want to see, but it's good all the same.

This weekend was good, it helped a lot. I feel content and hopeful and loved and more aware all at the same time. I'm glad I went. I can't wait to go back.

Um...yeah...

2005-01-12T04:34:13Z

Hmm...I just had a very direct conversation about sex with my dad without him admitting that it was about sex.

"We never talk about your boy relationships but I'm not naive, I know that teenagers do stuff. I won't think of you any less if you did anything, but I just don't want you to get hurt. Save it for the right time. You have a reputation and a lot going for you now, I don't want you to lose that."

He basically told me without flat out saying it that he thinks I am planning on having sex with someone and that he doesn't want me to make a a decision I might regret. I don't know how he would infer that.

How random is that, it was so weird.

I'm not quite sure what to think about that.

"I'd rather you be mad at me now then mad at yourself later."

Neither of those could be true.